Lessons For Mutants

I’D BE ORANGE

Time forgot me here
Waiting for my head to clear
Laughing backwards felt like enough
Learned some new bad words
You caught a bad cough

Cut me off to tell me I was right
Set me on fire so I could be your guiding light

Thirst for power, hunger for fame
Always was a junkie for pain
Time to swallow bitter pills
Rectify the countless ills
I’ve committed in the name of healing

Cut me off to tell me I was right
Set me on fire so I could be your guiding light

If everyone was a color
You’d be red and I’d be orange
Even though I don’t like orange
Just so I could sit next to you in the rainbow

Time forgot me here to think
About what I’ve done
Pull me back from the brink
Look ambition in the face
Face the facts and throw the race

I was right
Set me on fire so I could be your guiding light

PISCEAN LOVER

Say the words and make it so
Scratch the scab you’ll make it grow
Black it out or let it show
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know

Swallow down a Piscean
Taste of your own medicine
Change the locks when you open
The heart- shaped box she had you trapped in

Anyway better not get too existential
I cannot guarantee that I’ll live up to my potential
But I guess better safe than sorry I’ll never take the last bow
I don’t know but there’s only one way to find out

Live to die another day
I know you, you had more to say
It’s alright, we’re not ok
We burn out not to fade away

Anyway better not get too existential
I cannot guarantee that I’ll live up to my potential
But I guess better safe than sorry I was never here right now
I don’t know but there’s only one way to find out

Strike a match and watch it glow
If you love it let it go
Grow a tail, learn how to swim
This is how the world begins

OATHS

You oughtta get some rest
So I’ll stop talking, I’ll go
And I’ll wish you the very best
But how far down does it go?
Beneath the wounds are deeper wounds
I told you so

We danced close to the blade
We cut it off and I stopped and I stood
And I bowed my head and I prayed
To the unseen forces
To wash us clean and please divorce us
From our pain

O wise, mighty waves
What wicked winds have whipped us into shapes
So monstrous and depraved?
And what oaths must we take
To be absolved and rendered
Ready and awake?

Old friend, I forgot
Your true name—I got confused
And mixed it up with one I was taught
But that sound rang hollow, I never was convinced
You are much more than that
We were born for more than this

COUNTY FAIR

Here is a path to a clearing
Fearing the wrath of God I stepped aside
Ready for some new kind of feeling
I ran to the field with my arms open wide

Tired of the circles we talk in
I walked to the road and right into my own trap again
When sweet opportunity comes knockin’
How many times must I learn the same lesson?

I learned my lesson

Your peeling paint was appealing
Realistically I know I don't need to know
Ready for some new kind of healing
I cuff up the legs to trudge into the virgin snow

The sound of your voice is like petals
Better than Saturdays battering oysters for the fry
When papa brought home a gold medal
You ran to your room and locked the door, I heard you cry

TOOTH FOR A TOOTH

Loose ends tying me up in knots
Caught recirculating the same old thoughts
Can’t catch a break for a goddamn minute

Wonder who’s at the gates?
Felt him coming miles away
I feel everything
But I guess that’s how you know you’re in it

Sometimes I can remember the good times
Sometimes it’s easier to forget
So I don’t have to miss you too much

Sometimes I can relate to myself
I disassociate more than I’d like to
But what can you do?

Freedom comes at a price
I can tell you from years of taking my own advice
Not many people can handle the truth

But I’d rather be lonely and empowered
Than on a cross or devoured
By those who would take a tooth for a tooth

Sometimes I can remember the good times
Sometimes it’s easier to forget
So I don’t have to miss you too much

Sometimes I can relate to myself
I disassociate more than I’d like to
But what can you do?

:/

you’ve been talking in your sleep
we could end it all right now, well couldn’t we?
just like the other thing
but who’s to say there’s not something worth saving?

you better be
right about how better off I’m gonna be
fugue, fantasy
the truth deceives
couldn’t be the laugh’s on me
or could it be?

you’ve been talking yourself in circles again
I would almost rather that you didn’t
tell me anything
I will listen when my ears stop ringing

you better be
right about how better off I’m gonna be
fugue, fantasy
the truth deceives
couldn’t be the laugh’s on me
or could it be?

LESSONS FOR MUTANTS

Wanna hear what’s
in my head?
Holy spirits
hovering over my bed
colors blurring
into pure white
Warm hands return me
to the light
Made the journey safe and sound
Bury my yearning
in the ground
I am learning

He just called to say
he still don’t know
Try the new way:
Love him and let him go
The sweetness of
Surrender
Is real love
I must remember

Saw behind the rage
to your pain
at a tender age
burgundy as a bloodstain
and I forgive you your circumstance
Lord knows it’s not my life to live anymore and I cannot afford
to take the chance
I’d go overboard

Now free
of yesterday
all my stories
flicker and fade away
into dust
revealing
not who I thought I was
layers peeling,
ancient feeling
born from our mothers’ bloodlust
rebuilding trust, ask me anything
or tell me if you must

You who thought you knew
me back when
watch the fire burn through
me, I’m born again
and should you ever be
fully realized
come find me
join in the revelries of butterflies

HI RES

I get that it meant something to you
I know how tempting it can be
to make meaning where there is none
But I want to be honest with you
I’ve probably already done
some damage that cannot be undone
To me you were a crutch
that I used to help myself feel semi-stable in the moment
and I’m grateful to you for that, baby
but it was never personal, see
I did my best to make sure you didn’t get some big ideas
about me

The seafoam smells like sewage
The rainbows in the bubbles
can be attributed to the pollution
and I know that we’ve talked through it
but I believe we could find a more mutually agreeable solution
I summoned you with magic
That’s a testament to the power we can both tap into
So let’s do something great with it
I’ve seen the brilliance of the love we can all step into
I ran home to tell you
I realized I don’t wanna suffer
I want us both to be free
I’m sorry for my failures
I did my best to make sure you know
it’s not about you, babe, it’s
about me

GOOD IS GONE

Let’s not even ask
how all this trouble came to pass
or how it came to be
that you see me as an enemy

Well there you go
telling me what I already know
Did you forget?
I know things that haven’t happened yet

Do what you need to do
to kill whatever’s eating you
and I’ll try to be alright
but I’ll dream about it every night

So leave me be
I just don’t have the energy
to lead you on
I can see when something good is gone

Well I don’t wanna fight
I just wanna hear you say I’m right
So tired of keeping score
Fuck it I can’t do this anymore

Well there you go
telling me what I already know
like you forgot
I can hear you thinking every thought

So leave me be
this is literally killing me
Alright I was wrong
I can see when something good is gone

INVOLVULUS

Transitory times
All our stars aligned
Mapmaker must have been blind
Sure made Heaven hard to find

Temporary states
Better late than never
You have taught me how to wait
But I can’t wait forever

I can see you’re scared
I love you just the same
No one’s perfect or prepared
For this mortal game

So meet me where I stand
And I will do the same
Higher Self to Higher Self
You know who I am
You know why I came
Drop the story, take my hand
I have done the best I can

Orpheus looked back
Hades knew he would
Just a quick glance over his shoulder
Now she’s gone for good

chaotic good

ROSE POTION

The dead walk behind me;
though I do not recognize their faces,
I know they are here to remind me
of the space between the spaces.

I’m drinking down a potion 
I decocted from the roses in my garden
when my spirits told me
they could feel my heart was hardening.

What you call God
I call the mysteries of the Universe—
what difference does it really make after all?
If we had another chance to do it right,
I’d give it all I had
just like I did before when you left me with nothing at all.

The darkness this has brought upon me
hungers for the pain, like when I was young
and losing teeth,
which I loved to wiggle so deliciously with my tongue.

Now I see you’re not a perfect prism,
just the perfect foil for my masochism—
tell me, do I look different to you
in light of our little cataclysm?

I’m tired and I feel ashamed 
of how I’ve let my narcissism reign untamed
and yet I know that to blame myself
is part of the same old game.

The only way to get free is to die 
without dying
and I’m ready to give it a try—
at least I think so, but to change is terrifying.

They kissed my petals with their vapor lips
and savored my salty fingertips
and cradled me in thorny 
branches til the morning came.

PART OF IT

Come here and tell me the truth
Even if it’s a lie
I know there’s a part of you
That doesn’t need to be told why

I know you don’t have time
To give me the time of day
So give me the reason why you like it 
When I chase after you when you run away

I know you don’t know what the hell you want
That much you’ve made abundantly clear
But doing whatever the hell you want out there
Unfortunately affects me in here

So I light a cigarette
Even though I quit
‘Cuz somehow it brings me closer to you
At least that’s a part of it

I don’t know what you’re waiting for, darling
The door is open, why don’t you just move forward?
Don’t look at me like I’m the one holding you back
And I won’t look at you like you have something I lack

‘Cuz this is a time for me
Everything else can wait
Whatever is meant to be will be
And everything else can fall away

If freedom is what you want, my friend
You already have it
Go sow your wild oats, I guess
And tell me how that goes
But what are you gonna do 
When you’re, say, 64
And there’s no one to constantly tell you
How amazing you are?

Maybe then you’ll look back
And realize what you had
Or maybe by then we’ll both be at a point 
Where we can look back and laugh

ONLY THE TRUTH

The wound in me picked out the knife in you
Shadows find where shadows meet, like shadows do
The edge that lacerates all lovely things
And perforates the loftiest of dreams
Before they get a chance at coming true
They punctuate our sighs of pleasure with their shadow screams

I’d been told, but to believe it
I had to see it with my own two eyes

I see love everywhere I go
I see the light inside of all of you
What more can I do?

All my words are little incantations
And I wish to invoke only the truth
Though it may ring false at first inside the echo chambers
Of my past, the labyrinth that holds the remnants of the embers,
The sacred well of pain 
That I’ve returned to time and time again
To fill my vessels with the nectar-torture-poison
That my thirsty muse took a liking to

I’d been told, but to believe it
I had to see it with my own two eyes

I see love everywhere I go
I see the light inside of all of you
What more can I do?

BED OF NAILS

We had fun in the dark
Close the door, feel the spark
Walking on a bed of nails
Only hurts if you think they’re real
I’m not about to say that I’m a master of this matter,
I’m just fool enough to know we’re living in a dream

Each day it’s a little harder to believe

Your hot breath on my skin
Close the door, come on in
I’m living in my fantasy
It’s easier than being me
I tried a little bit too hard to be myself,
It turned me into something else
I wanted you to tell me that I’m good enough
I wanted you to call my bluff
I wanted you to ask me if I’m doing ok
I wanted you to stay and
I wanted you to leave

Each day it’s a little harder to believe
Each day it’s a little harder to believe
Each day it’s a little harder to believe

TWISTED

I found you lost in space
I tried to pull you out
It’s not my job, not my place
To give a damn about it
But I saw them in the shadows
I tried to warn you
I know it’s not my battle
But I’m a warrior
And I can’t help it 
Can’t you see how much I adore you? 
I know I could never save you
But I was born to

You could never handle  
Half of all that I feel
On the daily the shit I show up for 
Is fucking real
And you got up to it real close
It didn’t appeal, maybe
What’d I try to tell you baby
I am the real deal
And I will not be afraid
No matter how terrifying
You make yourself
I’ll still be here trying

I will not be displaced
By how much I love you
Can’t let myself take second place
No matter how much I want to
I trusted you because I thought
We had a deal, tell me
What’s your most twisted fantasy?
Let’s make it real, shall we?
You tell lies to save face
It’s not working for you
Put yourself in my place
And try to adore you

I could never deliver 
My half of the deal
On the daily I’d drag you through hell
When I lost control of the wheel
But put yourself in my place
What does it do for you
To feel all the pain you blame me for
I’m a warrior
But I give up, I give up
I gave it my all
I give up, I give up
I gave it my all

HOLE IN THE WALL

I found a hole in the wall
I could see through the emptiness of it all
I made a few new friends,
but I don’t know if I would do it again

It’s just the only way
that we’ve found to keep the bullshit at bay
and maybe it’s okay
to realize what you never wanted anyway

Love me, you said, and I did
but I peaced out when it became clear you wanted
something I could not give—
when you said you would have no reason to live

Hell is a state of mind
and I can’t be held accountable for your demise,
but I know you’ll be just fine
I’m still here for you—
I just can’t take what isn’t mine

Well I’ve seen the shadows on the water,
and I know the color of your eyes
So come back, my long-forgotten daughter,
come show me the cracks in your disguise

FAKING AMNESIA

Take a look around
There’s blood in the water
Dark shapes circle my body
There’s no way out

My love for my captor
Is all I’ll take with me
He tells me I am shit
And I’ve come to depend on it

I saw you through the open door
Looking kinda seasick
Sitting in the middle of the room
Covered in mousetraps

Take me at my word
Take what is offered
Please take pity on me
For I know not what I do

Throw away the key

Once in awhile
There’s light on the mirror
He shuts the door 
And shatters me into itty-bitty pieces

And so I’ll weave my magic 
Just so you can have it
And when my body rots
May it be for your benefit

I saw you through the clear membrane
Splayed out like a starfish
Faking amnesia
When the officer asked you questions

Take it with a grain of salt
Take all the blame, it’s not your fault
Take back every word you said
‘Cause you know they were all true

Throw away the key

EVERY DEATH

Beautiful stranger
you came along at the wrong time
I’m just a shadow 
of how you see me in your mind
and you’re a scavenger 
sniffing out the scraps of what I left behind
much like the vultures 
circling over both our heads—
sooner or later
they know we’ll remember we’ve been dead 
this whole time
I’m ruling the kingdom of the blind
so leave me alone now
I’m taking the medicine
I can’t be around anyone,
I need to be silent in my skin,
dwell in the stillness,
feel only the movement of my breath
and how it affects the air 
molecules around my body
their subtle circulation
could sufficiently captivate 
my attention for centuries
what else could we need, really?
I wanted to warn you,
said I’m carrying some trauma as my chest
clenches into a fist 
pulled back and ready to swing
‘cuz you kinda look like him
you got the same way  
of looking at me like you own me
and I used to like that I guess
but not anymore—
now it makes me feel like I am drowning
so don’t touch me,
I’ve got more important things to do
and I couldn’t tell you
how good it feels to realize
that I never needed him
and I’ll never tell myself those lies
about what I need again—
I don’t need anything at all,
I already have it,
Heaven exists in every breath
within every moment
is every birth and every death
that will ever happen—
it’s already happened,
it’ll happen again I guess

THRU YR TEETH

You said you’d had enough 
and I knew what you meant.
You loved me too much
and it scared you to death.
So do what you gotta do to lay to rest
The shadowy past you’re running from 
with a suitcase of regrets. 

You filled you head with fantasies, 
you filled me with rage.
I never really believed your stories 
but could not turn the page.
You danced with my shadow 
with such terrible grace,
and now I’m alone with the lightness 
that’s taken your place.

I’ve been beating myself up for so long, 
I forgot what it takes
to have any identity beyond my worst mistakes.
Well I know you were scared 
and you did your best to chase me away,
but I know there’s a little boy in there 
who just wants to be embraced.

Without your beloved darkness, 
could you sleep night?
Or would you even recognize yourself 
if you stepped into the light?
Yeah tell yourself whatever you need to hear to keep at bay 
the terrifying possibility 
of being ok. 

You kissed me with an open mouth
and lied through your teeth.
We summoned all the demons;
only some were released. 
So do what you gotta do to be at peace.
Live a little, get yourself on your feet, 
you deserve some relief.

BONES OF ABANDONED FUTURES

The time is ripe for killing
the dream that never came true.
I came wearing a white gown;
now I’m burying it in the cold ground,
for I wish no longer to be bound to you.

The time is ripe for cutting
through the illusions we’ve been clinging to.
I enter the void 
with resolute pride,
for I know now what I must do.

The time is ripe for the slaughter
and letting the blood run freely:
expel from my body
the putrid mess inside me
and call back my magic to me.

The time is ripe for burying 
the bones of abandoned futures.
I’ve pulled out the knife—
the ruins are blooming with new life,
and I won’t let you rip out the sutures,

The time is ripe for offerings
to the Spirits I’ve disappointed:
lay myself bare,
confess I was fully aware,
and humbly ask to be anointed. 

The time is come for stillness
and mindful cultivation of light:
soothing the sting
and the sorrows of losing
by singing with all of my might.

SINGLES & B-SIDES:

THE GARDEN

I come bearing my heart, though hardened,
Yet begging to be mended,
To bury in the garden
That he and I once tended

Foolishly I believed 
You carried the flame I needed
To thaw the frozen fields
That he and I once seeded 

I tried to find love for another
But abandoned such futile pursuits
As I watched myself tilling the soil
For old fear and resentments to root

So I waded into the river
For my own forgiveness I prayed 
And I wept upon the banks
Where he and I once laid

And now to myself I will prove
I am neither too weak nor afraid
To give to myself to love
That he and I once made 
That he and I once made

MAYA

we fell asleep
and shared a dream

and in the dream 
we were all little pieces 
of a broken thing

in this beautiful dream of forgetting

we did the dance, 
we played our parts

we tried to bridge 
the distance that we dreamed
between our broken hearts

forgetting to remember 
that forgetting’s
where remembering starts

WITCHSICKNESS

Unbind my hands 
Can’t remember where I laid my plans 
Syphilitic shadows crowd the bar and drown me out 
Everybody’s lining up to tell me what I’m all about 

It’s a lot of weight to try to bear on your own 
It’s a lot of pain to hold when you don’t have a home 
I try to scrape the silver linings off of every cloud 
But everything I touch just turns to lead and pulls me down 

Maybe I was you in another life 
I still have the maps of your mind 
Maybe it’s time to surrender and release 
What I thought was mine 

Unmake my vows 
This was a mistake, I’m breaking down and I want out 
I wasn’t ready for this path, its power or its pain 
But I know I will never be what I once was again 

It’s a lot of light to try to bear on your own 
And there’s a lot of sleepless nights you just stay awake shaking all alone 
But all my supernatural symptoms seem to fade away 
The second I remember I am the God to which I pray 

Maybe I am 
Everything I thought I needed from you 
Maybe it’s time to surrender and release 
What I thought I knew 

I wanted to fail
I wanted to fail
I wanted to fail
but I tried
I tried
I tried

There’s a lot of valid reasons I should want you dead 
But I will do my very best to worship you instead 
You destroy me perfectly, my enemy, my friend 
I know exactly how all this will end, I just don’t know when

JESUS WAS A BLACK MAN
Jesus was a Black man
Jesus was a Jew
Jesus lives inside of me
He lives inside of you
 

With skin like burnished bronze
And hair as coarse as wool
Jesus don't look much like
What they taught in Bible school

Jesus was a homeless
Middle Eastern refugee
He lives inside of you, my friend
He lives inside of me

They say it's your birthday
Happy birthday, Jesus

GEMINI II

Hopelessness Has Done Nothing For Me

You like the warmth of the summer nights,
But you can’t escape the call of the winter rain
And I try to keep the light burning bright
But can’t turn away from the pleasure of my pain

How can you be sorry 
When you don’t even know what you did?
You can take your stories to hell, 
I’ve got nothing left to give

No no no, it’s happening again
You opened up your heart
And let somebody in
Now you’ve got a stranger in your home
You could kick him out
But then you would be alone

Turn back the clock, see the time we lost
Make a different choice and watch the whole picture change
Learn that to hear is to have a voice
We could have it all if we just get out of the way

How can you move forward when you don’t even know where you’ve been?
Hopelessness has done nothing for me
I want this thing to live

Well here we are, it’s happening again
You opened up your heart and let somebody in
Now you’ve got a stranger in your home
Might as well sit down and try to get to know him

Say You Do

Well that happened, what did I tell you?
Words don’t always make things right
You had the power to turn it around
Now you’re tossing and turning all night

Don’t you know who you are?
I’m amazed you’ve made it this far
Why do you think all these things happen to you?
When do you think you’ll start doing the things you say you do?

Well now that’s over, I guess you were right
What’s the point of being nice?
Some things just don’t work out
So go ahead, get the fuck out
You don’t have to tell me twice

Don’t you know who I am?
You’re just a little woman and I’m a big man
I’ve never heard you use that tone with me before
Show some respect, I’ve given you
So much to be grateful for

Here to Tell

Wait! Come back before you go away!

It’s three in the morning, 
Don’t you think it could wait another day?

You and I both know I won’t be here for long.
I’m here to tell you how to find your way back where you belong.

My son, you have a body, it is young and strong.
Use it while you have it; you’re gonna miss it when it’s gone.
I didn’t know until it was too late.
I’m here to tell you so you don’t have to make the same mistake.

We fell down from the clouds like frozen water
We crawled out of the sea to build a fire
Then came the rains, the plagues, the holy slaughters
That’s just the price you pay for human desire

Wait! Come back before you go away!

It’s three in the afternoon,
I’ve said everything I have to say.
Now you know, and it’s not too late.
You’re here to tell them so
they don’t have to make the same mistake.

Cause or Effect

So you’ve never been in love
Maybe that’s the reason you were born with an older brother
Who says he hates your guts
My head’s so full of clutter

Well I can see you’re feeling blue
Maybe that’s the reason all your friends are outside smoking
And you got nothing else to do
ur phone is broken

And my heart is sinking fast
Maybe that’s the reason that you have two hands to hold it
But I knew it would never last
No matter what we called it

When I saw you
All my own prophecies came true
Just like you said

Now we’re off the beaten path
Maybe that’s the reason that the drugs took all our money
And I couldn’t help but laugh
When you said you want me

And the dogs are on the floor
Maybe that’s because they know it’s good to stay grounded
Saw you searching for the door
Said you felt surrounded

By what you’re not
Well was that real, or what you thought?
Cause or effect?

inreverse

I had something to say
Too bad you turned away

Was it all my fault?
Could you not see?
I was terrified of what I knew I could be

Heartbreak paid by the hour
I made mistakes,
Gave you my power

But it’ll be alright
It’ll be alright, I swear
I believe nothing is beyond repair

Who hurt whom worse?
Some stories make more sense read in reverse

But which one came first?
I was your blessing and I was your curse

You sly, two-headed beast
What do you need to be released?

Could you hear my cry?
Could you not see?
I was terrified of what I knew I could be

Boundaries

I never really believed you were mine
Even though that’s how we’re told to define love
Love does not seek to control or confine
Even though that’s more than I can say of mine

But maybe we just need a little more time
To sit back and watch these knots unwind
You know everyone’s scared they’re losing their minds
But if you open your eyes, they’re easy enough to find
Too bad we’re so fucking stoked to be blind

I can’t seem to shake what you said
And I don’t feel safe in my head
I will be raised from the depths
Of my sorrows, at least when I’m dead

Mother, forgive me, I’m lost
But I’ll find my way home, whatever the cost
I’ll lay down my weapons and crawl
My way back over all the boundaries I’ve crossed

Well I know it’s hard to loosen your grip
But try to see you’re hanging on to a sinking ship
No matter what, just remember to breathe
‘Cause I believe we got a few cards up our sleeve

Everything is a part of the whole
So don’t let the black hole in you take control
And everything has a reason to be,
So don’t believe it when they tell you you’re not free
And it’s you pitted against me

I can’t seem to shake what you said
And I don’t feel safe in my head
I will be raised from the depths
Of my sorrows, at least when I’m dead

Mother, forgive me, I’m lost
But I’ll find my way home, whatever the cost
I’ll lay down my weapons and crawl
My way back over all the boundaries I’ve crossed

Cleansed By Fire

We, two as one
Reached for the sun
Well, we tried
But that look in your eyes
Made me blind
So what if I didn’t mind?

Here, safe at last
We, too, shall pass
Time moves slow
I’ve got nowhere to go
You still don’t know
So what if I told you so?
So what if you told me so?

Wake from your dream
There’s more to see
Don’t deny
What we saw in the sky
Cleansed by fire—
So what if I am a liar?

Mine to Take

Don’t try to tie me down
I’m in love with everyone
I’ve run off, I’ve stuck around
I’ll be older when I’m done

Make a home in the movement inside you
Where you can go when there’s nowhere to hide
It’s a long way down to the bottom
Of this slippery spiral slide

I can recognize it’s a habit
That I would like to break
But I don’t even know if you have it
Or if it’s mine to take

Don’t try to answer my prayers,
I don’t pray to anyone
Go shed a few more layers,
You’ll feel lighter when you’re done

Find a friend in the chaos inside you
Who’ll understand when there’s nowhere to turn
Find the meaning in all of the madness,
There is a thing or two you might learn

I can register the words you’re saying
But I might not agree
I don’t need to know what chords you’re playing
To know what’s out of key

Was it Heaven

Here is my bed, I’ve made it, too
I lost sight of me while I was looking at you

Where is the love in which we fell?
Was it Heaven, or the bottom of a well?

You met my heart with such disdain
Your beautiful face won’t make me forget that pain

Your angel mask, you wear it well
Even you fall prey to its powerful spell

With you I was infinitely lost
With you I was infinitely lost

How do you stand the damp of your prison cell?
You’re so dead inside, bet you can’t even tell

Your heavy heart tipped all my scales
I tried hard to lighten you but to no avail

With you I was infinitely lost
With you I was infinitely lost

I bought the dream you came to sell
Was it Heaven, or just our own private Hell?

Now in the ranks of mortal men,
Mend your broken wings—I hope you’ll fly again

With you I was infinitely lost

With you 

I was

infinite

GEMINI I

A Bird in the Crocodile’s Mouth

Feels like it's been a while—
what am I waiting for?
Your empty-hearted smile?
I don't care anymore

The slow descent
into the madness of our fears
You know I meant
to do it better this time, but I'm not really here

You went the extra mile—
am I supposed to be proud?
You're in denial
I can't stand by watching you drown

I know the game, 
don't wanna waste another day
just grinding our gears
There's no one to blame for all the pain
you've felt all these years

Feels like it's been a while—
what am I doing wrong?
Tooth of a crocodile,
I guess you were right all along

Hungry Ghost

Go back inside, there’s nothing here to see
Don’t try to describe me to me,
‘Cause if you can think it, 
I’ve already said it in a meaner way
And anyway, the thing is, 
I try to forget it but it’s here to stay

And I’m sick of everybody leaving me for dead
All I hear is people grieving, even in my head
They say that what you give is what you get
I gave you everything and all I got Is a lot of regret

Come back inside, it’s getting cold out here
I want to survive another thousand years
And this is the reason 
I can never tell you what I mean to say
The sounds I’m making, 
You’ve already heard ‘em in a cleaner way

But I’m sick of everybody leaving me for dead
All I hear is people grieving, even in my head
They say that what you give is what you get
I gave you everything and all I got Is a lot of regret

Let Me Stay

Sister, where’d you go?
I’ve gone and fallen off my horse again
Summer’s ending, I’m remembering
Everything we could’ve been

But those forever feelings never stay
I had a center once, she went away
Was the weight of my darkness too great?
Call me the light, I will drive those demons away

Brother, where’d you go?
I’ve wandered off and lost my way again
My feeding frenzies
Leave me feeling empty nine times out of ten

Those phosphorescent petals always fade
You said you loved me once, but something changed
Was the strain of my sadness too great?
Call me the rain, I am here to clean the slate

Brief moments of bravery,
Relapses into cowardice
Glimpses of profundity,
Dances with the precipice

Retreating back into your slippery shell,
Safe within the dismal diving bell
Well, instead of going into hiding
And pushing everyone who loves you away,
What if you opened up your doors
And let me stay?

The Blessing / The Curse

Tie the tourniquet tight
Bathe my eyes in angel light
I never believed a word I said was true
I was abusing language to have power over you
And I know I'm the devil, I know I'm a mess
But I'm not a broken record, I learn my lessons fast

Push that feeling down
You'll scare them all off if you let it out
But I don't want to not have anything to say
Nothing in my body's telling me this is ok
So I will find the part of you that I can love
My blessing and my curse, I am what you are made of

She painted me white,
Changed my bandages and stayed the night
And I am here to learn all that she has to teach
I will swim towards her lighthouse, always just out of reach
After all I wanted nothing if not love:
The blessing and the curse I can't stop dreaming of

circlenot astraight

The answer comes as a question mark
and I can’t be bothered to remark
What did I know but wasn’t ready to say?

I am your sister, don’t pretend 
I don’t know your tricks, you were my only friend
I never thought that we would end up this way

My addictions make me hate
but my afflictions make me kind
I’m a circle, not a straight line

Then we get swallowed by the abyss
What is the meaning of all of this?
You might act like you’ll never die,
but you’re getting old

Don’t act like you don’t love the sting
I know you’re capable of anything
You were the most convincing lie I ever told

My afflictions make me hate
but my addictions make me kind
I’m a circle, not a straight line

There is a Light

Buried alive, we got sucked down the funnel
But there is a light at the end of our tunnel
So don't waste your time giving up
When you could be forgiving
Don't lose your mind, don't forget
This life is for the living

Here is the girl you don't remember meeting
To show you the love you're so afraid of needing
You fight so hard just to make them all think
That you never struggle
You say you see how it is;
That you're looking at is a piece of the puzzle

And we could put it together, or disintegrate
You know it's now or never, but it's never too late
To give it all away…
So give it all away

I know the world is in all kinds of trouble
But you can't live your life in some aseptic bubble
So don't lose sight of your worth
And the infinite wealth of gifts you've been given
Open your mind to the world
And the intimate well of truth that lay hidden

We could lie down and collectively seal our fate
You know it's now or never, but it's never too late.

Glukupikron

Sickened as I am by my own behavior
I cannot seem to make it change
You’ve given me all the chances I deserve
To prove you right and clear my wretched name

Why do I fight
All that I know to be good and true and holy and right?
And what is this drive
To drive you away, when your love is what keeps me alive?

Bittersweet pill,
Promise me you will
Be here still

I believe my sadness has served a purpose,
But I see how bad it fucks with you
I have had my fill of feeling worthless
And now I’ve got better things to do

So no more doubt
Slit my belly open, pull that stubborn stuffing out
And fill me with light
I think I’m finally ready to be alright

Bittersweet pill,
Promise me you will
Love me still

Little Red Lines

Well, here I am, I wish you would look away
I’m not the man I thought I was yesterday
I always change, and you stay just the same
You don’t get angry, you know I’m not to blame

You say you’re caught in a war that you’re not gonna win,
But if you knock on my door, baby, I just might let you in
I know shit can get real when you stay in one place,
When you sit there and feel what no amount of thinking can erase.

But I’ve been doing my best to be doing ok
So lay off, man, I’ve had a long day

I was afraid you would see through my smile
And know I can’t wait to be alone for a while
You know I love you and hate to cause you pain
But you’re bound to get a little roughed up playing in the lion’s mane

From the little red lines to the wolves at the door,
I gave some warning signs that were not so easy to ignore

You say it’s easy to change, but I stay just the same
Fickle and strange with one too many tigers to tame

But I’ve been doing my best to be doing ok
So lay off, man, I’ve had a long day
Yeah I’ve been doing my best to be doing ok
So try to understand, I’ve come a long way

White Owl

In my dreams, I will come to seek you out
When I sleep, I'll become a white owl 
And fly out of my window and into your window 
And re-materialize as myself 
And wrap my snowy, naked limbs around you—
So, so happy I found you. 

I used to think I was a one-of-a-kind
Then, in the blink of an eye, you appeared to show me I was blind
And now I can see everything, and it's all beautiful;
You made me realize  
All the stories I told were just lies 
That used to sound true—
So, so happy I found you 

Out of the black, foreboding skies
You are the sun that never fails to rise
And when the shadows cover me
You're the moon, I am your faithful sea
Rising with you as you shine on me

Through your eyes, I've learned to see myself clearly
I used to despise the poor girl inside the mirror
But now I just pretend that I'm looking at you
Looking right back at me
You show me the beauty that I never could see—
So, so happy you found me

numun

Black Moss

Fear is the weight we carry
From the cradle straight to our graves,
And love is the treasure we bury
Pain alternates with pleasure in beautiful waves

And you've been watching me,
You say I emanate some strange magnetic power, 
But don't be drawn to me
I may be here today, but soon black moss will cover

Over my dead body

You've been a lot of places,
Left me forgotten by your side
And maybe the feeling's baseless, 
But something still stirs in me when I look in your eyes,

'Cause you've been kind to me
I never quite believed you 
When you said it's over
What is wrong with me? 
I trusted you, you watched me open like a flower

Over my dead body

Follow

I think I know who you are
And I don't know how I let it get this far
Also there's this girl I met at a bar
She burned as bright and as unattainably as some distant star

And from within her fragile flesh where I lay my head to rest, 
I could feel her heart hammering in her chest
Then and there I swore, by the blue light of her celestial glow,
I would follow her where no one else dares to go

I know we've been here before
I never had less than one foot out the door
I know you expected more from me, but I've given up, 
So I don't know what it is you're waiting for

I don't even know her name, and maybe that's for the best, 
But I feel her heart hammering in my chest
I know I'm no good, and I hate to say that I told you so
Why'd you follow me where no one else dares to go?

True Colors

I walked into the jaws of the lion
She stalked under the belt of Orion
We caught and disemboweled our disembodied prey
She shot like a bottle rocket into the fray

I crawled into the mouth of the river
She called—her silver voices made me shiver
We spoke—I posed, she painted my reflection
I awoke without the faintest recollection

Wherever you are, you'll never get where you're going 
If you're wound so tight
Forget the duality of wrong and right

Wherever you are, you'll never get out alive 
if you got no light
You can't see your true colors in black and white

I fell into the arms of my father
He knelt to kiss the shadow of his daughter
I heard she, having taken quite a beating,
Found words true enough to bear repeating

Figure 8

What have I got myself into now? 
Who's gonna save me when you're not around? 
And what if I get myself in too deep? 
Will the angels come down to carry me off in my sleep?

Who put all these words in my mouth? 
What are these warped, wayward thoughts all about? 
And what's with the guy in the bulletproof vest? 
He's just a metaphor, but we should probably go—
I think it's for the best.

Tell me something I don't already know: 
Are you a mistake, or everything I've been looking for? 
Are you the meaning of life? 
Tell me, Figure 8, is everything alright?

What if you're wrong and nothing's alright? 
What if it's me and not you who's ruining my life? 
So what if I got my head in the clouds? 
Up here it's not half as bad as it is down there on the hot, filthy ground.

Tell me something I don't already know: 
Was I a big mistake just like all the ones you made before? 
Was I the love of your life? 
Tell me, Figure 8, was everything a lie?

Noise

She turned to me and with a smile 
said, “Where have you gone? 
You've learned to see, but all the while
never saw that we are one.

But time will close your tired eyes,
and truth will grow over the lies.

So let your yellow-bellied brethren 
burn to death or drown.
Your fellow tethered devils never learn, 
don't let them keep you down.

For time creates as it destroys,
and truth will cancel out the noise.

You see, God has His plans
but I've got mine,
and little good will come to those who stand in line.”

(( I can't hear you 'cause of all the voices in my head ))

Humble dirt would turn to vapor 
every time she spoke.
We'd crumble like her ever-burning paper 
turned to ash and smoke.

But time creates as it destroys;
one day we lost her in the noise.

Shallow rolling holy water 
rose and slowly fell.
Swallowing a foreign body,
rose red holes to show and tell,

she was washed away with the tide;
we saw the water in her eyes

when she said, “God has His plans, 
but I've got mine.”
The white hot heat in her hands melted her mind.

And the truth will bear its fangs, 
and you and I will be just fine, 
but she could never seem to understand these things take time.

(( I can't hear you 'cause of all the voices in my head ))

Less Traveled

We were in the woods, it was getting dark
You fell asleep on the ground at my side
Suddenly awoke and with a shudder croaked, 
"Mother, won't you let me back inside?"

Little one, if I were in your shoes, 
I would take the road less traveled
Then again, if I were really you, 
Why would I be seeking counsel from me?
Don't seek counsel from me!

Triplets pitter-patter in pretty patterns
Stippling and spattering my empty mind
If you clear a path, it doesn't matter 
Where you wind up; who knows what you'll find?

Myriad are the guiding voices 
If you take the road less traveled
But you're the only one who can make those choices, 
So don't take it from me.
Why would you take anything from me?

There is a time and a place in your mind 
More perfect than this world will ever be
You locked the door,  don't live there anymore, 
But check both your pockets—maybe you still have the key.

We built the walls; they were strong, overall
But now the barriers all start to fade away
And damn, it feels good: something we understood 
A long time ago but forgot somewhere on the way

Pin Oaks 

You knocked and I let you in 
Unlocked the door, led you under my skin
But hate lay like a snake in the grass
Waiting to strike at our heels as we passed

She kept the key to my dark room
She left and warped the weft of my loom
I saw hordes of gray eyes and dark, hungry mouths
Lord knows what they were mumbling about

I lost hold of the rail I was grasping,
Ghostly pale, quaking like an aspen
Now this thick rope encircles my neck
Whispered, "I hope you're quick to forget.”

Grief warms the back of your throat,
Greedy wind snatches at your threadbare coat
Pin oaks and old rusty nails
Pinafores rustle and fill like sails

This is Why

Hey, would you wanna go with me to a party? 
It might be dumb and I don't know anyone
Sure, I know there will be nothing there for me
But let's go anyway, I'll drive you home when we're done

We could sleep, but haven't you heard we're all dying? 
Living fast is much more fun
And I think deep down we know there's no point in trying, 
But all we know how to do is run, run, run, run, run...

And this is why I cannot be alone anymore
I miss the time when I knew what my time was for

Oh my God, is it me, or is it getting harder 
To believe you were ever really anyone? 
I'm not sure, but I think I used to be much smarter 
Back when I used to walk instead of run

And I could say what you wanna hear if it would stop your crying
That way might be much more fun
And I would tell you the truth, but I would be lying, 
'Cause even I don't know what I've done.

And this is why I cannot be around anyone
I miss the time when I knew how to be alone

Found I Lost 

Hey, why'd you go? Why'd you stay so long if you know I’m insane? Even though it's a game I play, you say nobody's to blame—but you don't have to soften the blow. Well why should I care if I die? You know life's not fair. So come on, no more trying. Let's sit and stare at our indescribable, deep despair. Call me a liar and a coward, tell me you know I wouldn't dare. 

Once in a while, things get bad. I found I lost something I never knew I had.

You know the deal: it's all for show, you know—nothing's real. But let's try to photograph how we feel, find the motor behind the wheel. Are we in motion or just still frames projected from an endless reel? 

Once in a while, things get bad. I found I lost something I never knew I had. And I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

The Wheel 

Old pain, why are you here again?
In vain I have fled from where I've been.
Where am I?

Tied to the chariot's ever-turning wheel, 
Or high in the shattered tower of burning steel—
Where am I?

How much more are you willing to take? 
Do you think you'll bend, or will you break?

We try, but we never really go anywhere—
Why am I the only one who ever seems to care? 
What am I?

How much more are you willing to take? 
Do you think you'll bend, or will you break? 

FATES

Both Worlds

“A” was the letter he carved in my heart
With his cold metal instrument
And red was the blood that rolled down my forehead
After I had another incident

Gray was the color of our dead skin
When we exfoliated thoroughly
And clear was the water that washed it all
Down the drain so we wouldn’t have to see

Take my hand in your two hands
I’ve got no one
You’re the best of both worlds

Deep was the hole I’d lain myself down in
Before you came to my rescue
Now deeper is the ocean I’d swim across
Holding my breath just to get to you

Take my hand in your two hands
I’ve got no one
You’re the worst of both worlds

We Fell

How can we get so lost in the light?
I’m waiting to make up for lost time
'Cause I’m awake for what feels like the very first time

How long have you been hiding here in plain sight?
I’m trying to resist your gravity, but for naught—
I’m a luna moth drawn to your light

 You fell into my life like a jet engine through a roof
And I fell down a mountain
I got this broken heart as proof

 So tell me, where did you go so late last night?
I woke up without you next to me
I wandered out like a crazed ghost into the moonlight
You fell into my life like a coin a wishing well
And I fell silent as a snowy field
And instantly under your spell

My Storm

You think you know that it is, but it's not
You got away with it ‘til you got caught
It is what it is, but it's not what you thought

 Savor the scent of a fruit cracking open,
The sound of the soft, sacred words that were spoken,
The spindle-prick and the kiss by which you were awoken,
The taste of the blood from the glass that was broken

You were gone
Before I ever even got to know you
So what should I do with this song?
It was for you, but now I'll never get to show you.

You told me you'd always protect me from harm
Rock me to sleep, keep me safe, keep me warm
But I wondered, while wrapped in your strong, stubborn arms:
Are you my shelter or are you my storm?

You think you know what it is, but you don't
You're gonna get over this but I won't
You're gonna get over this but I won't
You're gonna get over this but I won't

You were gone
Before I ever had a chance show you
That I could be true, but I was wrong
When I said I never even got to know you
‘Cause I know you, I know you, I know you

I know you better than the red apple knows the green worm
Better than the yellowjacket knows the swarm
But one thing I don't know and may never learn:
Are you my shelter or are you my storm?

Everyone I Know

Pitfalls 
surround this humble home
and I was 
awoken by the sound of the wolves
howling at my door

Two words 
hung trembling from her grayish lips 
and I felt
ashamed to have been a part of it
after all was said and done

So I know you think you've got it bad 
but you'll be alright
Everyone I know has got it wrong 
but I think you've got it right

Footfall
down the halls of your consciousness 
drives you mad
and bludgeons your budding confidence
How will you win the war?

So I know you think you've got it bad 
but I like you fine
You're the only one who's ever yours 
but I want you to be mine

Your Glow

My malaise was molten metal
Twisting into golden petals
Kiss me softly like a sparrow

Suck my soul like mellow marrow
Your glow, yellower than yarrow,
Burns me like a stinging nettle

Oh, what a harrowing ordeal
To have a brain and have to feel
Love and pain and fear and sorrow

Buried below freezing barrows,
Bellows billowed blazing arrows
Blowing birds in noisy kettles

You send my signal through your pedals
Sad sediment slowly settles
Behind your gray eyes, so cold and narrow

Steal what you cannot borrow
Soon today will be tomorrow
Throw away whatever is not real.

To the Bone

True love never waits
for the opening of the gates; 
it rattles in its cage,
spills its blood over scribbled pages
and staining your sad prose,
spreads like a rose. 

 I misplaced my friends.
Hands were shaken, chapters ended.
Call me what you will—
I could have kept them all and still
be stranded in this strange, terrible place.

After a lifetime being by myself
I never thought I needed anyone else

But true love never waits
for a verdict from the Fates—
it shakes you to the bone,
throws you on the street
and gives you a home.

Woods

Lost in the woods,
with every step I took
I felt you there with me

I raised your kiss
to my thirsty lips
and laughed as it ran down my throat

I'll never forget
the Payne's grey day we met
a dove with a bell in its beak

A strange, ancient song
that blossomed on my tongue
led me to a hidden stream

A cold, fickle breeze
knocked me to my knees
and the salt on my skin turned to smoke

But the memory still lingers
in the valleys of my fingers—
a cut paper bird, a broken bell

So I raised my hood 
and walked into the woods
to gather flowers in a basket to bring home

Past Tense

I went away for months, or maybe it was years—
my house was overrun by fears

But while I was not home
I left a faucet running
and I won't call it "hope,"
but I'm still alive, so that's something

One thing I learned after so many months or years:
Regret is the past tense of fear

And I know memories
are like running water
and I don't want them to freeze
but I could use something to hold on to

Strange faces in the crowd
and you walk around like you own this town
In my kaleidoscope heart,
you're a shard of fire
and I won't call it "love,"
but there's more to it than desire

Have to Lose

With forsythia bursting into bloom,
I first set foot outside of my cobweb-covered room

O, lonely road
O, lovely road

All roads lead nowhere,
it doesn't really matter which you choose

The more you love,
the more you have to lose

 O, lonely road
O, lovely road

Take what you want, 
I will keep what you don't.
Just don't leave before you've said
whatever you came to say—

Because you're never coming back home
once you go away.